


Now I Know What I've Been Missing

by PDubs



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant (as of 402), F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm super duper soft, Introspection, Nicole's POV, One-Shot, and super duper gay, canon adjacent, lovemaking, non-graphic depictions of sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:01:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25741732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PDubs/pseuds/PDubs
Summary: Paper thin I waste awayCaught up in an endless phaseTrying to tell myself you'll fadeWhile clinging to the mess we madeKeep me waiting anticipatingKeep me waiting anticipatingYou keep me waiting anticipatingAnd now I know what I've been missing'Cause I feel your body like a ghostBreathing in me everywhere I goEven when she's with meWe're not aloneHer hands are your hands wrapped around my throat
Relationships: Waverly Earp & Nicole Haught, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 41
Kudos: 219





	Now I Know What I've Been Missing

**Author's Note:**

> During the hiatus, I read a Clexa fic where the POV was from the eyes of Clarke. I found the way the story was described drew me into the moment of what the characters were sharing. Given the beautiful Wayhaught scene that we received in 402, I felt like now was the perfect time to try my own hand at such a writing method.
> 
> This story will not graphically describe the acts of sex. The moment we saw on TV was about the love between Nicole & Waverly. I was desperate, hungry and beautiful. It was also the first time we saw such a scene created for the queer gaze on mainstream cable. What a masterpiece it was! I hope I have captured the moment they had in a similar fashion. I hope I can do it justice.
> 
> Here is the Clexa fic that inspired me for you to read later if you wish; https://archiveofourown.org/works/6265471
> 
> Enjoy!

\---

Some mornings are better than others. The cold ones when the power has gone out are the worst. The ones when the coffee maker won't turn on or the hot water has turned cold. Especially the ones when the rations are... rationed.

Today it's not so bad. It's fridged to the bone in a way only Purgatory can be, but the five layers of clothing help ward it away. The coffee you sip while staring into the empty Earp kitchen helps a bit too. This morning it isn't spiked with the cheap whiskey you found under the sink. You don't need it anymore. You've told yourself that you're past that. But still, it doesn't comfort you that today will be just like the rest.

Cold.

Lonely.

Empty.

Yet regardless of how long this endless fight seems to go on, there is always hope that today is the day they come home. Home to you. So you hope & you wait. You're not God-fearing, but you even pray. Maybe your angel will hear you wherever she is. That's all you really can do.

You're here, and you stay.

The rations pack crackles in your hand as you strike a day off on the wall calendar. It's a Wednesday. You could have easily kept count without the calendar, but its a routine to keep you sane. All habits you've acquired, including this one, were not part of the life you envisioned at the start of this isolation.

18 months, 3 weeks and 4 days ago, you caught a glimpse of a future. One where you would never be alone again. Where the town was filled with kind and friendly people waving to the Sheriff as she passed by in her cruiser. Where your best friend would kick in your office door to drag you away on some stupid mission, whiskey in hand. Where, at night, your bed was warmed by the woman you love.

Your heart aches every day for your Nephilim. It's never faded. Nope, not even a millimetre. But regardless of what comes of this, you're a survivor. You would never let this kill you. You'd sooner let it be from old age right here on the Homestead. Only then would the scavengers have you. Even if you were alone… forever.

You remember the morning of her first birthday after she went missing. The pillow of the bed you once shared was soaked with tears, attempting to glue you down. You didn't want to get up... but you had to. The September chill meant winter was coming. You needed to be ready. You needed that firewood more than your own despair.

Swinging the axe in the backyard, you took out your anger of how unfair the world was on those logs. To take everyone you love away from you at once. How dare fate be this cruel. It dangled happiness in your face and snatched it away. You had once said everything good in your life had happened because you came back to the Ghost River Triangle. You thought that was the truth. Maybe it wasn't.

The thought swells in your head, causing rage to flash red behind your eyes. You hurled the axe away into the distance as you fell to the ground weeping. 

"It's not fair!"

You yell it.

You scream it! 

Your fists pound the grass, digging up dirt as you drag your fingers through it. You wanted to feel something. Anything! All the comes to mind is the last time you were with her alone. The magic in her eyes as she told you she loved you and put that ugly demonic ring on your finger.

Somehow, it calms you...

"Happy birthday, Waves." You whispered to no one when your wailing finally subsides.

You picked up the logs without wiping the tears from your eyes, marched through the Homestead door and slammed it behind you.

A movement out of the corner of your eye out towards the silo snaps you back to the present. It's been a while now since someone set foot on the Homestead. You've done this dance a hundred times before, and now you will do it again.

Their presence isn't welcome.

The ration packet falls with a soft thud to the table. The steaming cup of sweet morning nectar sits abandoned next to it.

You grab the shotgun.

You make your stand.

The windows have remained open a crack for this reason, regardless of how cold the days have gotten. You poke the shotgun barrel out and take a steady aim at the birch tree near the intruder. With no scope, it's a challenge, but you're confident in your abilities. Being a killer is not in your blood… not unless there is no other choice.

You crack off two warning shots and hear a high pitched scream. The figure stumbles in the snow.

The sound the intruder makes causes you to pause. Odd. Still, they need to leave. You will protect this land for the Earps as best as you can.

You withdraw the shotgun from the window and march out the back door with a purpose, leaving it wide open in its frame. 

Time to make the impression.

"Eat shit, shit eater!" You bellow at the intruder.

You're not sure why you picked that particular phrase out of your repertoire. There are so many other things you could have said that would actually terrify an intruder. This probably didn't cut it. So you follow it up with an actual warning.

"I'm warning you! No trespassing!"

The sun has only just begun to peek over the mountains in the distance as a small figure comes out from behind the tree. It's only then that you notice something about them. 

There's a glow.

A warmth.

Like an angel has descended from heaven...

She stops in her tracks… and she stares. Her coat is covered in dirt, and she looks like she's been through hell.

All you can do is stare back.

For a moment, you think it's a trick. It must be a trick. This is Purgatory for goodness sake! 

The halo of sunlight around her brunette mane sparkles with warmth and love. You don't believe your eyes.

"Waverly." 

It's not a question. Your voice is nearly a whisper. She sweetly smiles as her eyes adore you… even after all this time.

She begins to run to you.

The shotgun is still in your hands. You hurriedly abandon it as safely as possible against the Homestead siding.

Because if this is her… if it's really her, you have to know. Right now!

You sink into her arms, exhausted from the trials you have been through without her. Your knees almost give out. You let your guards fall away.

You think you hear yourself sob, but you know for sure she is for sure. What is happening? How is this happening?

A brief thought crosses your mind…

Where's Wynonna? Where's Doc?

But they can wait… 

You're sure that if this isn't a dream, they will wait. After all, they probably have some catching up of their own to do.

"It's me." You hear her say.

You feel your heart swell as you inhale. Her hair smells exactly the same as when you last saw her. Like she's only been gone a day.

Like the day you hit the floor unconscious.

You pull away to look into her eyes. Her gloved hands come up to gingerly hold your cheek.

"It's me." She repeats as if she knows you can hardly believe it. "Oh, God. It's you!" 

She pulls you into an embrace once more. Her arms are wrapped around your neck, forcing your arms down around her waist.

But you don't care.

"I'm home." She says. You know she's not referring to the house behind you, but rather your arms swallowing her up.

Your eyes prick with tears. Your brain still hasn't completely caught up with your heart. It's beating so fast that a smartwatch might think you were rock climbing.

You pull apart, but not too far.

"Are you real?" You choke out, attempting to hold back the sobs as best you can. But you know you've failed. Your voice is breaking on each syllable.

Her eyes search deep into your soul. They're bright and full of happiness.

"Are you?" She replies with a chuckle. You notice her eyes drop to your lengthened hair.

All you can do is laugh and swallow hard.

"Get in here and check."

You're halfway joking. Halfway wanting to slide into the bed upstairs and hold her close forever.

Between sobbing and total elation, she pulls you to her lips. You go willingly. No resistance.

The moment they touch, you can feel the sparks. 

No. 

The fireworks. 

Life returns to your bones. You can feel her touch awakening every dormant corner of your soul. You didn't deny it before, but now there is no doubt… this is your lover. The one who 18 months, 3 weeks & 4 days ago asked you a question that you never got to answer.

Your arms at her waist move of their own accord. They heave her up on to your waist as your brain commands your shaking legs to walk.

Shotgun be damned, it can stay on that wall for hours. All you can think of is getting your love through that open rear door and up the stairs. You stagger forward with the perfect weight in your arms.

By the time you reach the hallway, the hat and gloves have flown away. The boots are kicked off.

You already know you won't be making it to the bedroom. Hell, you're not even sure if you'll make it to the stairs.

Her lips are soft with want and need as she slips from your arms. The hallway lit by the morning sun, and the Christmas lights strung around the Valdez carving. Her hands reach up and push back the camo coat you never bothered to zip up.

Suddenly you realize you are starving. Starving for her skin against yours. Dying to feel her breath on your lips. Craving for her to fill you up. To bring you home. To make you feel whole again.

The bulletproof vest is in the way. Once upon many a time, it has saved your life so you could be here to reunite with the woman that you have feelings so deep that you've yet to see the bottom of. But right now, you don't need its protection. She is here keeping you safe. Nothing can hurt you anymore.

You shed it, just as your love sheds her overcoat and pushes you gently against the railing.

Her scent.

Her taste.

Her touch.

It's driving you wild. You feel the knitted sweater slide off your frame and tossed carelessly away. But there's still too much in the way. Her soul calls to you the same way your soul calling to her. You've been apart for far too long. You need to be one with her again. You need to be closer.

You tug at her shirt. 

"Off!" You hear yourself plead in a tone you didn't know you had.

Your lover stumbles back as the garment comes over her head. Together you land in a small crash on the other side of the hallway. Your mouths fall into such a familiar dance. Like it's only been a day.

_Paper thin, I waste away..._

Your senses are in overdrive as you trace your lips down her neck. She sighs. It's music to your ears. The likes of which you've only heard in your dreams for the longest time. The music that got harder and harder to remember over time receives a new verse.

Time seems to slow down as the hunger to be as close as you can be with the love of your life drips into your heart. Desire forces you to travel back up and capture her mouth. 

_Caught up in an endless phase..._

God, you've missed her. You very being is screaming to taste her breath. So you do. It goes unspoken between you to share air. She breathes life into you in a way no one else in the world can. Before there was this angel in your life, you thought feelings like this only existed in movies. Except this moment is so real, you need to paint it into your mind forever.

And that is when you begin your art. It's a slow, steady abstract masterpiece.

She is your canvas.

And you are her's.

_Trying to tell myself you'll fade..._

Your heart can feel your lover carefully setting out her brushes next to yours. You want to take your time and make her feel beautiful. She's already making you feel like a goddess.

A splotch of pink drips to the floor to mix with the greens, blues & beiges. The symphony has struck its first note.

_While clinging to the mess we made..._

She still knows how to play your strings in a way that a gentle melody is produced. It increases your desire. The blue paint on her nails splashes across your chest as a mixture of reds, oranges & yellows appear behind your eyes.

It's been far too long since you've felt this way. You wanted to follow her and be by her side even if it meant never returning to this place. Instead, you had to stay here and sacrifice everything without her.

_Keep me waiting anticipating..._

You work together in an unspoken rhythm, adding a rainbow of colours to the floor.

She lays backwards, allowing you a better view of all the places you'll place stroke tenderly. To you, this woman is to be revered. You want to worship every facet of her being. You want to make sure she knows that she's home, safe in your arms.

_Keep me waiting anticipating..._

Brown and red tangle together as your lips connect in a sensual melody. Her hand is on your face, colouring one of her favourite spots on you.

She gently rolls you over. You allow her. 

She is extraordinary. You've always known that, but now that she is finally in your arms once more, you remember just how remarkable she really is.

Your heart is beating out of your chest. Her muscles flex as she traces your outlines. Where will she go first? Your body? Your heart? Your soul?

_You keep me waiting anticipating..._

You know who your angel is. A planner. Being under her means that you are subject to all of those plans, and that excites you.

She presses forward. A halo appears around her gorgeous form from the sun streaking through the windows. There is no doubt you belong to this woman, even if you don't think the reverse is true. You don't own her, but right now, she gives herself willingly to you. Her deep kiss is a testament to this. You accept it.

You gasp out her name like a prayer when she pulls away.

_And now I know what I've been missing..._

You place a turquoise streak across her chest. This causes her to lose control and whisper into the silence of the Homestead for more. She needs more of you.

More colour. 

More tune. 

You want to write her a symphony. So you give in to her sweet request.

_'Cause I feel your body like a ghost..._

You pull her up into your arms and attempt to walk her up the stairs to the soft surface you have wanted to share with her for so long. You barely make it up six steps before the urge to carry on your delicate craft overwhelms you. This is as far as you're going to get.

She sings her rapturous melody with her back against the banister. It makes you want to push farther. So she will sing your name even louder.

_Breathing in me everywhere I go..._

But oh, how you have forgotten how crafty she can be. Your lover pulls you into her lap on the Homestead stairs and makes stars burst forth from depths you forgot existed. They surround every fibre of your being and fly away into time and space.

There has been suffering. There has been pain. But she soothes you, drawing a series of notes from you that you cannot deny are beautiful. Her own artform is unforgettable, but you're reminded of just how precious it is.

_Even when she's with me..._

You're afraid if you let go of the railing, you'll float away. Maybe that would be so bad. Perhaps she would unfurl her wings and wrap them around you. Those wings would be soft like her lips. They would caress you. Make you feel pure. Make you feel like the past year and a half was all worth it.

For this moment, you feel that maybe it has been.

_We're not alone..._

She pulls you in gently as your body is overwhelmed with the feeling of her skin on yours. Your hand on hers grounds you through the explosion behind your eyes. The taste is so overwhelming, your eyes threaten to flood with tears.

Time vanishes. Hues, sounds and tastes burst forth. You're flying in her arms.

_Her hands are your hands wrapped around my throat._

You open your eyes after the euphoria subsides and stare at her. She's beautiful. You can't believe you managed this long without her. How did you ever survive? You know the answer.

Every morning you stared at that picture. You never lost faith that she would return. You always felt that your soul was lighting the way home. And here she was in your arms.

You kiss her softly. She's home.

\---

"I don't think I've ever been this happy."

She's smiling at you the same way she did from her front porch. Back when you weren't sure if she flirting or just being friendly.

That feels like a hundred years ago now.

"So why do I feel like bawling?"

You understand. What just happened was the most loving thing you have done together. It wasn't about pleasure. It wasn't about falling over the edge. Though that part was enjoyable too.

It was about a beautiful healing process, absolute trust and tender undying love. Together you painted the walls, the floor and the stairs.

"Well, after what we just did, you're probably pretty dehydrated."

Her laughter rings through the air like an angelic chorus. You can only describe it one way.

"Your laugh is like Christmas."

The kiss is gentle but passionate. Her hand comes up to stroke your cheek gingerly.

You melt into her lips and can't get enough of them. Were they always this good?

"Your lips are so soft."

They're magical to you. Oh, how you've missed their sweetness.

"Are you going to spend all day listing all the things you like about me?" 

She smiles at you as she says it, expecting you to laugh.

But you don't. You've been listing off in your head every day since she left everything you like... no... love about this woman in your arms. It's kept you sane all this time. So you tell her the truth as you stare into those enchanting green orbs.

"More like the rest of my life."

Her eyes stare through you with somewhat disbelief. For a second, you think she is beyond words... until she takes your breath away.

"I love you."

You forget to speak. You're afraid if you say anything now, she will vanish. So you speak to her soul with your eyes, that yes you love her too. More than she could ever know. More than the universe should possibly allow.

Her gaze falls upon your long red hair. She twists her fingers through it.

"I'm also loving the Little Mermaid vibes."

You here what she is saying, but God, you've missed her. All you can do is continue to stare at this beautiful masterpiece of a woman in front of you.

But what she says next drops the stairs out from under you.

"So what, you just zipped into the Ghost River Triangle and got extensions?"

Is she kidding? She must be kidding. So you answer honestly.

"I just grew it out."

Her puzzled look brings back a flood of memories over the past year and a half. 

"What?"

You feel yourself slipping. You lose control of your emotions and fall forward towards her, attempting to ground yourself fruitlessly.

"Sorry, I just... I just missed you so much."

Your lips tremble for hers, but suddenly the urge to break down overcomes desire. You've seldom fallen to pieces in front of her before, always willing to be the rock, never asking her to be anything she's not.

But this time you need her. The past 573 days have been the longest in your life.

"Hey." She responds so softly as she pulls you into her arms. 

Her unspoken prompt to let go is too much. You begin to cry.

"Wait. How did you grow it out?"

The chill in your bones is immediate. You have to explain now. You have to justify it all. You can only hope this won't make her vanish back into the abyss.

"I broke my leg." Your voice shakes in a way you don't recognize.

"And I came back to Purgatory, but I had to retreat to the Homestead."

You can feel your look of desperation being carefully examined. Her expression has changed entirely.

And that scares you, but you go on anyhow.

"I did everything I could to keep it safe for you."

Her face twists in a way that forces you to brace, because now you know something is very wrong.

"Nicole, wait. Just tell me. How long have I been gone?"

There it is. You knew it was coming, but it doesn't stop the utter shock to your system. It's worse than the time you were shot through a bulletproof vest.

"Don't you know?"

The idea that the only yesterday scent could really be only yesterday to your lover terrifies you. It explains so much. She's identical to the woman she was when she proposed.

"You've been gone..."

You can tell she isn't ready for this, but you force the facts through your trembling lips anyway.

"18 months, three weeks and four days."

She's gobsmacked. A year and a half have passed without her. You know it's about to hit her hard. So you try to comfort her with the fact that she wasn't the only one gone. 

But as soon as you say it, you're not sure you were right to tell her.

"All of you have."

\---

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos or comment to let me know how you think this turned out. I'm a little nervous about it, but I HAD to do this. I hope you liked it.
> 
> I would like to take this moment to point you to a beautiful Wayhaught edit on YouTube by Cam. If you haven't seen "This Love," you need too.
> 
> Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KojyvS0fmCo


End file.
